Satire

I Want To Become A Generic Self-Help Writer

I wake up at 5am and meditate. So I’m going to write about it.

Photo by Chandra Putra on Unsplash

If you look up self-improvement in the dictionary, you’ll see my beautiful face. The reason? I’m the perfect example of what can be achieved when you decide to implement positive habits.

I’m the type of guy who will happily pay the extremely low price of $1993 to attend a self-improvement conference to feel motivated. Oh, and I love watching videos on how to hustle and improve my productivity by 1000x.

See, my workspace needs to be a place of unlimited inspiration. It’s a place for me to write self-help articles that will change your life forever. I have a beautiful notepad that enables me to think in a completely different way to everyone else. Also, my friends think I’m the next Picasso because I’m so damn creative.

I’ve also got a really awesome lamp on my desk that helps me to work until the early hours of the morning. Some people might tell me to sleep because it’s important for my health. But I don’t care. Sleep is for the weak.

Let me tell you a little bit about me. I bought my own house at 22 with one easy trick — my parent’s money. I wake up at 5 am and meditate for half an hour. I read 1250 pages per day and refuse to eat anything for breakfast that contains more than two grams of sugar. Then, I go for a 10km run in the afternoon because it makes me feel incredible.

I am a living, breathing, self-improvement machine. Seriously, think about it, I have all the information in my head that you’d ever need to change your life forever.

So with all of that in mind, I might as well write about my insanely productive schedule and everything else that makes me superior to the vast majority of people in society.

I want you to feel inspired whenever you read my incredible work. I want you to look up to me and comment on how amazing I am. I’m on a quest to seek external validation from strangers on the internet. Please, I beg you… compliment me.

When I told my friends that I was going to become a self-help writer, they looked at me and laughed. They said there was already enough advice on cold showers and other things that are regurgitated by countless writers on the internet. The difference? People haven’t heard it from me yet.

Some people may criticize me for writing generic self-help advice. But honestly, I don’t care. The truth is that I just want to feel validated. I want to feel like people genuinely care about what I have to say.

And although I might not follow my own advice all the time, you definitely need to read everything I write. Take notes. Because I’m the most incredible writer in the world. At least, that’s what the motivational screensaver on my iPhone says.

I’m just repackaging and repurposing common advice, and claiming it as my own. Heck, I won’t even bother adding any personal experience into my articles. After all, I don’t have time for that. I’m way too busy living an extremely successful life.

Deep down, I think I’m better than you. But I won’t publicly admit it. Instead, I’ll create an email list and try to sell you a course about self-improvement that’s not really worth more than a few cents.

I’ll try and sell it for $500. And although all the information within my overpriced course is publicly available on the internet, it doesn’t matter. If you don’t buy it, I’ll just say that you’re not serious about changing your life.

I’m going to become the best writer on the planet. I know what inspires you. So I’m going to tell you exactly what you want to hear. After all, isn’t that what every self-help writer does?

I write for people who want to live a happier life in the modern world. Let’s chat: Mattlillywhitemedium@gmail.com

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